I sprang for the laughing gas

All 4 kids are officially in SCHOOL. As of a month and a half ago, I am a free-ish woman. It's glorious! I have time to do things that I haven't been able to do in 10 years without getting a babysitter. Like, go grocery shopping alone. Or, I don't know, go to the dentist. I went to the dentist for a cleaning. You know what they told me? They told me I hadn't been in for a cleaning in 6 YEARS! Well, Russell is 7 and Wyatt is 5.5 so yeah, that sounds about right. I can't take those two anywhere without a struggle so going to the dentist was just pretty low on my list of priorities. Turns out I had a broken tooth and needed a crown, and 2 fillings. All on the same side. I'm a free woman though so YEAH, lets go ahead and schedule that dental work! When am I free? ANYTIME! As long as it's in the morning, though. That appointment rolls around and I have to cancel it because I forgot that I'm only free-ish and I had a little boy at home barfing. The next appointment rolls around and I had accidentally volunteered to work the afternoon shift at the book fair...this will be fine right? Yeah, it'll be fine. I stroll on into the dentist office that morning and I sit down in the waiting room for about 2 minutes then I get called back. I love this dental assistant. She's only been there since I was like 5! We go way back. We do x-rays (still haven't come up with a better way to do those), makes me gag a little, eyes are watering some. No big deal. Time to go sit in the chair and do some other dentally stuff. She is sneaky. She makes conversation with me and as I finish my sentence she shoves this thick goopy stuff into my mouth and tells me to bite down real hard. I don't know what it's called but I guess they were making a mold of the teeth to make the crown. It was blue, and it was mushy. All I could think of was "this HAS to be what it would feel like if you bit into the outside of a peed in diaper". Now my eyes are REALLY watering, gag reflex is strong. Gave me nightmares. I asked about the gas because I thought I had like 45 minutes of dental work ahead of me but IT IS NOT CHEAP. So I said never mind, lets just see how I do. She numbs the side of my mouth and in walks the dentist. I'm pretty anxious so I asked if there was a "too late for gas" mark cause I think I'm gonna need it. Yep, lets do it. Give me the laughing gas. She gets me all set up and he leaves for a minute while she does, so I asked when I would know that it was working and she said "Oh you'll know, don't worry". Oh, ok nice. Y'ALL. She was right. I knew. Like, 1.5 minutes later I KNEW. I do not drink. I haven't drank since 2008. She said it would feel like I had a glass or two of wine, I'd be feelin alright. YEP. Nailed it! Bring that man back in here, let's get the drilling going, I'm ready! This will be a piece of cake. Just a few shots in the gums, gas has already paid for itself as far as I'm concerned. The best way I can describe this is to just go through my thought process. My mouth IS numb but those needles DO seem big. Doesn't matter. I'll just close my eyes. NOPE, can't do that! Felt like I was at Six Flags...better keep them open. Where do I look? The light is so stinking bright, I'll stare at his face. That's really weird but I'm gonna do it anyways. Where are his EYES?! Why can't I see his eyes?! It's like he has no soul. I need to blog about this. This is EXACTLY how I will write about this. WHAT IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW? His eyes are just black. Ok, I'll look to the other side of the light, its so sunny outside, patio weather. Ok I'll just close my eyes again. Stay tough, it's not a roller coaster, you are not drunk, he DOES have a soul. Dentists have souls and feelings. The drilling would be so much worse without this gas. Then he stops, and he sits me up and says lets take a little break. HOW LONG HAS IT BEEN!?!? She asks if I'm still feeling ok and I just nod and I have no idea how much time passes but I kind of thought I was done and the dentist pokes his head back in and says "how ya doin in here?" and I am feeling GREAT and I want him to know how great I am so I throw him 2 thumbs up, except laughing gas, and I throw my two thumbs up right into the tray that holds all of the little tools and such and startle myself and then start laughing while I loudly say WHOOPS! Didn't even see that metal tray above my waist! Good, time to move on to part two! Ohhhh, ok. We weren't done. Little bit of drilling and wiggling and loud noises and something with blood on it and the numbness starts to wear off so I think they gave me another shot, I can't be sure but the laughing gas is ON, I know that much. I think about squirrels and life in general, and how this dentist office used to have a parrot in it, didn't it? WOW this gas was such a good idea. I mean, my dentist may not have a soul because his eyes are dark holes but at least I'm not panicking. I can't figure out what I'm supposed to be doing with my tongue but I feel like it's rude on my part if I don't TRY to keep it out of the way. I have no idea what I was doing but in my mind I was holding my tongue off to the side. Being polite. I think maybe the gas has worn off, NOPE....no it has not, WHO IS CONTROLLING THIS?!?! I feel like maybe there is a little peddle and just pumps it a few times when it looks like I need a little more. I have no idea what the process is. I question all of my life choices up until this point in time. I examine them all. At least it felt like I did. And then it was finally over. She sat me up, took the gas off, and I sat there until I felt like I could stand up and walk into the waiting room. I feel like I have just relived every night in college. I'm trying to keep calm on the outside cause I already flipped the tray of tools, but on the inside I'm thinking "WHAT JUST HAPPENED?!?!?!?!" The left side of my face was droopy and sad and I talked with a strange lisp that didn't wear off for hours but I still went and volunteered at the elementary school, because, obligations and all. PROBABLY should have just gone home instead. I don't know, long story short, the laughing gas is worth it.

Still a boy mom

Somewhere in Heaven, there is a a very special place. You won't find just anyone there. Just a select crowd of women. It is a place where mothers of boys are gathered. And like I said, it is SPECIAL...so special, because little boys are special. They aren't special in an ordinary way either, no...they are special in a way that not everyone can fully grasp. They are special in a "what the hell?!" kind of way. I know that not all little boys are created equal. But in my very own, three times over, special boy mom experience......I am whooped. Wyatt broke a melamine plate with his forehead last night while waiting on dinner. Wyatt is 3. Wyatt peed in 3 different places TODAY, none of those places were the actual toilet and NONE of those places were accidents. I know dad, I know. Right this moment in your head you are saying "whip his butt!" and you're laughing. Russell came down the stairs saying "my hand is covered in blood!!!" but in his other hand he's holding a red marker with the cap still off. 30 minutes later Wyatt comes down the stairs saying his face is covered in blood...with a blue uncapped marker in his other hand. SOMEONE ruined my iPad today. No one knows who did it, but a BOY had it in his hands when I found it shattered. It did last me 3 years without ANYTHING going wrong with it so I am actually really impressed. Boys love guns, especially BB guns. A vacuum cleaner finds a BB in the carpet like my foot finds a single lego in the middle of the night while I'm creepin down to the kitchen because all I want is a stack of oreos and a cup of milk to enjoy ALONE. Because sometimes that's all I want. Just some peace and quiet and oreos. Boys fill their pockets with stuff. Just a bunch of STUFF. Today I decided that as each pair of Little Jared's shorts come out of the dryer, I'm gonna whip stitch every single pocket SHUT. I found 14 fuzzies (pom pom balls used like money at school), a pair of ear buds (2 other pairs have gone through the wash and dryer in the last 2 weeks), and tortilla chips. TORTILLA CHIPS. Sometimes I find things that make me think that he realized his pockets were empty and the day was almost over so he just grabbed the closest thing he could find and stuffed it there. For good measure. Action figure weapons, rocks by the truck load, pennies, teeny tiny little toys that comes from who knows where, legos (of course), rubber bands, crayon wrapper shreds, crayons, snack wrappers, small washers, little nuts and bolts, marbles, any little tiny piece of metal anything, also anything shiny, bottle caps, lose fruit snacks, things that I don't even know the names of, paper clips, lose staples, glue stick lids, pen caps. All of it. I've found all of those things either in the pockets or in the washer, and sometimes they make it all the way to the dryer.

I started this post nearly 2 YEARS AGO. I don't know how I planned on finishing it but I'm going to post it anyways!

Do you wanna build a....SHUT UP

Apparently I wrote this March 5th and it never published. So here ya go.

Another snow day. I was actually rooting for a snow day last night because I LOVE turning my alarm off but if the kids don't really let me sleep in than I there is no point really. We had 2 snow days last week, then I kept them home for a 3rd because I really uncomfortable with our roads out here and then Friday they were released early because of the weather and now here we are....another snow day. I usually am a complete party pooper and I will try so hard to convince the kids that they don't really want to go outside and play in the snow because 2 minutes into it their gloves are wet and their shoes are wet and their jeans too and after 20 minutes they are all freezing and crying and have red faces and they want ME to make them hot cocoa so they can warm up. I'm just far too lazy for all of that, not to mention all the extra laundry that's involved. By lunch time though I figured I just didn't care and if they wanted to go out then fine, go out, build a flippin snow man and call it a day. So they did. Wyatt decided he would rather take a nap on the couch though, which was pretty weird but I think maybe he just didn't feel like putting clothes on. I even WALKED OUTSIDE AND TOOK PHOTOS. I must have a fever. Moose ate every single one of the snowmen that they built. Jared ended up building 2...Moose ate them both. Wylee finished hers and I took pictures and then Moose ate hers too which royally pissed her off. Russell never could quite make him but he gave it a good effort. Moose enjoyed the snow BIG time...last week he hated it.

When they were done with the snow Wylee wanted to color a picture for her teacher BUT she needed to glue two pieces of paper together so that she could make it BIG. Then Russell wanted to color, so she helped him glue his sheets together. I look over and Russell is gluing things to the palm of his hand. A crayon, a slinky dog toy (which didn't work), a sheet of paper, and I don't know what else. I told him to quit it and start coloring.....well he decided to glue his crayons to the paper instead. ANNNNDDDD this is why I'm scared for Russell Owen's future Kindergarten teacher. He's almost 5 years old and he still can't be trusted with a glue stick.

There's a good chance that you already read about this incident on Facebook, but I know there a few family members that aren't on there. Here's what happened when we finished eating dinner last night...

Jared (husband Jared, not child Jared): I'll give you $100 if you let me crack 3 eggs on your head.

Me: $100 American dollars?
Jared: Yes, American dollars, I get to crack 3 eggs on your head AND you can't get mad. 
Me: Let me see the $100...
Jared: do you honestly think I'm not good for it?
Me: good point. But what's the catch? I feel like there's a catch.
Jared: ok, so deal?
Me: Deal...

Egg #1, not too terrible but startling for sure. Kinda thought he smashed all 3 at once so egg #2 REALLY surprised me...then it all starts slowly dripping which is freakin nasty as crap AND THEN he takes the third egg and puts it away because our deal was 3 EGGS FOR $100!!!! I should have seen that coming. I mean, my gut was telling me "don't fall for this Elaine...you know better. He's too cheap to go throwin hondos around. Is that what people call hundred dollar bills? Hondos? I'm not sure anymore. There has to be a hidden agenda." then my mouth said "DEAL!" before my brain could process everything. Took forever to get those egg shells out.

I'm not sure I'm really ready for Spring Break next week. Usually I am but this year....I think we've had quite enough togetherness to last us a while. I am amazed at the amount of things that they can find to tattle on each other about. If they have nothing to tattle about then they either just make something up or pick something to whine about until I lose my mind. Actually, I took the boys to target yesterday so clearly I already have lost my mind. It was about as unenjoyable as you can probably imagine. BUT we did get a picture with the Target dog, which was apparently a very exciting thing.

Did he just say I'm bald?

You guys. If you want to completely make parenting worth while then you HAVE to buy Bean Boozled Jelly Bellys. I've had them hanging around the house all weekend but telling the kids that NO, they could NOT have any. The anticipation was killing them. Somehow the wrapper just "fell off". No one knows how that could have happened. Wyatt "accidentally" opened the box. Sunday afternoon I caught Wyatt sticking a black one in his mouth, it was too late to stop it and it was too late to grab the video camera.....it was either going to taste like licorice or skunk spray. I was praying for licorice. It was licorice. About 10 minutes later he quietly got another one out of the box, this one was either going to be baby wipes or coconut. It was the better one. I put the box up high so no one could get to them. Little Jared stayed home from school today because he has been coughing like crazy. The boys BEGGED me to let them eat the jelly beans in the little box. I couldn't hold off any longer so I agreed. I made room on my ipad for a few videos and I dumped them all out on a tray for easy access. Wyatt had already had 2 and hadn't had a nasty one yet...the odds were in my favor. It. Was. AWESOME.

They also have a version that comes with a spinner and you have to pick the color that it lands on, so hilarious! I had the pleasure of playing this game after Tosha and Kimber's baby shower not too long ago. I haven't laughed that hard on so long. It's really fun and disgusting. 

After they quit trying their luck with jelly beans we headed out the door to Rockwall Urgent Care. Loved listening to Wyatt tell me 24.5 times that he wanted a sucker (he got interrupted when they called Jared's name) and explaining to him 24 times that he had to wait until we went through the door and passed the suckers. That Wyatt. When we got in the examination room he got up in Jared's face saying "Lemme see your pink eyes..." hahaha. Jared told him that he didn't have pink eye anymore and that place was for a lot more than JUST pink eye. Duh. After Russell and Wyatt opened and shut the door a handful of times (to spy on anyone in the hallway) the doctor came in.....

You would think that Wyatt wouldn't embarrass us seeing as he was eating a sucker when the guy walked in. Nope. He tilted his head to the side, squinted his eyes, and POINTED his finger and said "your BWOWWWN" (while shaking his head up and down the entire time that he talks)

DR: "What?"

Wyatt: "you bwown"

DR: "What is he saying, mom?"

Me: I'm just laughing too hard to be able to speak

Wyatt: "YOU BWWWWOOOOWWWWNNNN"

Dr: "Huh?"

Just as I am about to tell him that Wyatt is letting him know that his skin is brown...

Dr: "Did he just say I'm bald?! Well yes, I am bald...You kind of look bald cause your hair is so light"

Me: face buried in my own lap laughing

Wyatt: "NO, I not bald. YOU BWOWN!"

Me (desperate to make him stop telling the black man that he's brown): "What does PaPa call you, Wyatt? He calls you cotton top because your hair is so white, doesn't he?!"

Wyatt: "No."

Awesome. I almost died right there at Rockwall Urgent Care. I'd have to say that this wins the "highlight of my day" award. Bean Boozled should have had it in the bag. I guess that means I had a pretty good day!

Moms and kids.

Russell: (Holding a tiny card open and pretending to read it) I gave my pet to my very old, old grandma. And that's you.

Me: I'm an old grandma?

Russell: Yes.

I am ALWAYS the grandma in the games! ALWAYS. Or they call me a little old lady. Wylee plays a game called "moms and kids". I'll explain it just so you don't get confused. She's a mom....and she has kids. Moms and kids. I assume there is another mom somewhere. It isn't me though, because I am the GRANDMA and she is ALWAYS pretending like she can't watch her own dang kids cause she has to go to the store or go to school or set up for a party. I'm really not good at playing "pretending" games. I can't help it, I'm a party pooper. Mainly because they all tell me exactly what to say and whats going to happen next and how the game will end and they ask me things like 'what should my baby wear today?' but then when I answer they get on to me and tell me what they wanted me to say. All of them. "No. No, mama. This time when I ask you what she should wear you say 'ohhhhh, I don't know the pink pjs are sweet'...say that ok." Ok. Yes. I'll get it right this time...MAYBE.

If I'm not the grandma then I'm a stranger that they are telling their life's story to. Guess what, their mom is always DEAD. 90% of the time my kids are playing, they have knocked me off. Usually I get run over by a car while I'm walking in the street.

Today, Wyatt said he was the dad and he told me NOT to ask him if he needs a new diaper because dad's don't wear diapers...they wear panties. He also made me put a pillowcase over his head and then he carefully sat down on the ground and tucked his legs and feet inside, too, and started snoring. I guess he was camping, I don't really know. He then made a few pretend phone calls (normally I am supposed to be on the other end of the line). I got snapped at for answered a pretend phone. "NO. NO MAMA....I making calls. NOT YOU." Well, ok then. How about I just NOT play and watch you play, because that's more fun. You know what isn't fun? Getting yelled at by a 2 year old because you aren't talking on your banana like its a phone. Cause that also happened this morning. And anyways, I'm holding a grudge against Wyatt. The other morning he was under my covers and he started flipping out and throwing the comforter off of him so I freaked out too cause I didn't know WHAT was happening. He said he didn't want that cover on him cause it was covered in boogers. *Make a really confused face* What? I told him it was NOT covered in boogers and he said (more like yelled) "UH HUUUUHHH. It IS covered in boogers!!" and I said "Why do you think that?!?!" and he said....... "BECAUSE I'VE BEEN PICKING MY BOOGERS OUT OF MY NOSE AND PUTTING THEM THERE." Well now I'm speechless. And disgusted.

And then they found a stamp. So there's that.

Little boys don't belong at baby showers.

Sometimes Wyatt will come up to you panting. He isn't out of breath...he's about to lick you like a dog.

Sometimes you will run into me at the store with my kids and I will smile really big and sort of flail myself around to signal to you that ''all is good! just need some food to slave over, put on plastic kid plates, scrape off into the trash while they tell how much they haaattteee vegetables, and do all over again 3 times a day 7 days a week.'...' but what I'm REALLY signalling to you is ''I am completely loosing my mind and I think you catch my drift but these other people don't HAVE to know that I'm a little insane right now so please come encourage me!''. 

Sometimes when you see us on the second row at church sitting smack dab in the middle of the chapel so that the Bishop and the rest of the ward will be sure to see us, it isn't because we like to have the best seat in the house...we use it as leverage to get the kids to stop acting like morons. "THE BISHOP IS WATCHING YOU RIIIIIGHHHHTTT NOOOOWWWWWWW" or "EVERYONE behind us just saw you try to climb onto the top of my head and threaten to stick up your middle finger." or "your primary teacher just saw that nasty face you just made at your brother right before you poked his eyeballs out." Things like that. CLEARLY it works well....

Sometimes Russell will lay next to you in bed and tell you to kiss his finger, so you do, because he probably has a boo boo...but then he laughs and says he just scratched his butt with that hand. Nothing says 'good morning, mommy, I love you.' quite like that.

Sometimes you will think that taking your kids to a baby shower is a decent idea. You only have 2 out of the 4 of them so really, how bad could it be? It could be bad. Like coughing on the food, fighting over the lemonade, eating all the m&ms, falling off the stool and hitting your head, pulling your skirt up from behind and ending it with a straw full of pink lemonade down your mom's back kind of BAD. Bad. Because, 4 year old little boys just don't belong at baby showers. Especially when they are expecting an actual shower with a baby in it. 

And SOMETIMES your 2nd grader comes home with a letter saying he was accepted into the school's GT program and your Kindergartner brings home a cute little sign saying she has mastered her kinder words and has moved on to 1st grade words...and then you hear Russell behind you talking to the dog and he whispers "first bump" to him and runs off to play. Wyatt is half naked with a poop diaper that he is denying right now, so no real accomplishments for him yet today.

Butt fights are normal...

Do you ever have those mornings, or afternoons, when you finally get home with the groceries and you're so over it that you rummage through to find the cold items, shove them somewhere in the fridge so that they fit good enough for the door to stay shut and then just leave all the other crap on the counter? Me too. That's today. We weren't in the store for 10 minutes before Russell started throwing a MASSIVE fit. I have no idea why. Actually I think it was because he wanted a donut and I stopped to look at some work out clothes (that's right, Jared and I are working out at night. What, What!). So, I'm pushing one cart that has Wyatt in the front and a screaming Russell in the basket, and I'm pulling another cart with all of the groceries. Wyatt is being super well behaved so Russell started to lift the part of the basket that flips inside the cart so the carts can shove together. You know that part? Well, he is squishing Wyatt when he does it so now Wyatt is crying too. I move Wyatt to the front of the grocery basket and now Russell is just FUMING. He is screaming at me to "just get out of this family", and "I WANT A DONUT RIGHT NOW". He's yelling at me to just leave him at the store. I told him that I couldn't do that because Wal-Mart doesn't allow you to just leave without your children, and someone would just bring him back to me anyways. For at least 15 minutes straight he kept crying over and over again, "I waaaaant a dooooooonut". Then it happens. You see someone you know. Well she saw me, I was looking for the cheap spaghetti sauce. You hear your name and you remember that your kid is acting like a fool and you're not even paying attention to him anymore and you think "well that's just great...there goes any chance that I had at the Mother of the Year award." I got lucky though and turned around to see that it was sweet sister Thurgood. She's Wyatt's nursery teacher at church and he loves her! I'm telling her that "this is a nightmare" and Russell climbs out of the basket, arms around my neck, and now I guess I'm giving him a piggy back ride. For like 10 minutes. He's still crying for a stupid donut. Wyatt is taunting him by saying, "I a good boy. I get donut. I not crying like Wussell." Ugggghhhhhh. That's what I think about shopping with kids. Ugh. Oh well. What's new, right?
Wyatt JUST told me "Mommy, I peed in my poop." That's nice Wyatt. I guess I have to change your diaper again now. Oh, what's that? You're pushing again? Awesome. I changed him just 20 minutes ago when we got home. I told him to follow me to the playroom so I could change him and he said "let me do it"....do what? I just kept walking. Apparently he was trying to take his jeans off WHILE he was walking so he tripped and busted his lip on the kitchen floor. By the way, even after your baby is done teething, you should keep a couple of the small teething rings in the freezer. Its way easier to get them to stick one of those under their lip than a baggy of ice.
I wanted to post yesterday but I couldn't bring myself to sit down and do it. Wyatt covered the office in "tickets" (sticky notes). The boys keep ending up completely naked. At least once a day. I've said it before but I will say it again. Boys are just weird. They have butt fights. What is a butt fight? Why, its where you see who can rub their butt on the other one the most. Duh. Its been almost a week since their last butt fight so I'm sure there's one brewing. I barely got them in undies and a diaper last week to pick the kids up from school. And things like this happen...

              

 I have no explanation for his, but he tried to clean my ears out next....with the q-tips from his 

NOSE. They definitely had snot on them, in case you may have been wondering.

 Speaking of noses. After the butt fights ended Wyatt came walking up to me with a TAMPON APPLICATOR in his mouth. (Don't be too grossed out, I had a hysterectomy in August and I have definitely taken the trash out since then.) After I gagged and then laughed I asked where it came from and Russell showed me. Then I remembered that someone threw a Rubbermaid lid at Russell a while back and his nose started bleeding so Jared shoved a tampon up there cause toilet paper wasn't doing the trick. Little Jared couldn't stop giggling. Big Jared asked him what was so funny (you mean OTHER than the fact that your cramming a tampon up our 4 year old's nose?). Little Jared (still giggling) said, "Uhhhhhh, aren't those things that only girls are supposed to use when they pee?" Russell got super embarrassed after he heard him say that and Big Jared assured him that no, they weren't just for girls when they go pee. So off he went, with a tampon hanging out of his nostril. I'm not even kidding. Then Little Jared wanted to know what they were really used for if they aren't for when girls go pee. Bloody noses. That's all. Bloody noses. So that's where the applicator came from. Oh, and at our house we call them tampins, like Hank Hill. So you can re-read that paragraph if you want and say 'tampin' instead of tampon and its even better. Even the kids say 'tampin'.

Russell was playing tug-a-war with Moose yesterday and his arms got really tired so he went to get something else for Moose to play with. He told me not to watch him. So I did not. Then he said "Ohhhh Mommmmy, do you like my boobies?!" And he strutted the entire way. Giggling. I said yes, he had very nice boobies. Then he moved them closer to his belly button and laughed even more. He has a few decades until he needs to worry about that. He was in a sharing mood I guess. He took the tennis balls out of his shirt and told me that I could use them so that I could have boobies too. I'm not sure if this was his nice way of saying "here, these should fit your bra, problem solved" orrrrr maybe I was putting off an envious vibe? Then he dropped one and it rolled across the floor so Moose chased it and Russell ran after him yelling "My boobie! No! Give me back my boobie Moose!" while he secured the right one under his shirt by holding onto it. I can't even handle it. Hey Jared, thanks for showing the boys how you can make round things look like boobies if you shove them under you shirt. Okay. In a perfect world Russell wouldn't be saying the word "boobies". But nothing is perfect. Except that moment, it was hilarious. Then he came back with 3 balls under his shirt and proudly said "look at allll my boobies :)! I have so many!" I'm jealous.

By the way...when I asked Russell to put his plate in the sink last night he told me that he couldn't because "his hands had a bad headache". Poor thing, sounds pretty serious. Has anyone else experienced this pain? I dunno, I think maybe he made it up so he wouldn't have to clear his plate....I may never know.