Moms and kids.

Russell: (Holding a tiny card open and pretending to read it) I gave my pet to my very old, old grandma. And that's you.

Me: I'm an old grandma?

Russell: Yes.

I am ALWAYS the grandma in the games! ALWAYS. Or they call me a little old lady. Wylee plays a game called "moms and kids". I'll explain it just so you don't get confused. She's a mom....and she has kids. Moms and kids. I assume there is another mom somewhere. It isn't me though, because I am the GRANDMA and she is ALWAYS pretending like she can't watch her own dang kids cause she has to go to the store or go to school or set up for a party. I'm really not good at playing "pretending" games. I can't help it, I'm a party pooper. Mainly because they all tell me exactly what to say and whats going to happen next and how the game will end and they ask me things like 'what should my baby wear today?' but then when I answer they get on to me and tell me what they wanted me to say. All of them. "No. No, mama. This time when I ask you what she should wear you say 'ohhhhh, I don't know the pink pjs are sweet'...say that ok." Ok. Yes. I'll get it right this time...MAYBE.

If I'm not the grandma then I'm a stranger that they are telling their life's story to. Guess what, their mom is always DEAD. 90% of the time my kids are playing, they have knocked me off. Usually I get run over by a car while I'm walking in the street.

Today, Wyatt said he was the dad and he told me NOT to ask him if he needs a new diaper because dad's don't wear diapers...they wear panties. He also made me put a pillowcase over his head and then he carefully sat down on the ground and tucked his legs and feet inside, too, and started snoring. I guess he was camping, I don't really know. He then made a few pretend phone calls (normally I am supposed to be on the other end of the line). I got snapped at for answered a pretend phone. "NO. NO MAMA....I making calls. NOT YOU." Well, ok then. How about I just NOT play and watch you play, because that's more fun. You know what isn't fun? Getting yelled at by a 2 year old because you aren't talking on your banana like its a phone. Cause that also happened this morning. And anyways, I'm holding a grudge against Wyatt. The other morning he was under my covers and he started flipping out and throwing the comforter off of him so I freaked out too cause I didn't know WHAT was happening. He said he didn't want that cover on him cause it was covered in boogers. *Make a really confused face* What? I told him it was NOT covered in boogers and he said (more like yelled) "UH HUUUUHHH. It IS covered in boogers!!" and I said "Why do you think that?!?!" and he said....... "BECAUSE I'VE BEEN PICKING MY BOOGERS OUT OF MY NOSE AND PUTTING THEM THERE." Well now I'm speechless. And disgusted.

And then they found a stamp. So there's that.

Little boys don't belong at baby showers.

Sometimes Wyatt will come up to you panting. He isn't out of breath...he's about to lick you like a dog.

Sometimes you will run into me at the store with my kids and I will smile really big and sort of flail myself around to signal to you that ''all is good! just need some food to slave over, put on plastic kid plates, scrape off into the trash while they tell how much they haaattteee vegetables, and do all over again 3 times a day 7 days a week.'...' but what I'm REALLY signalling to you is ''I am completely loosing my mind and I think you catch my drift but these other people don't HAVE to know that I'm a little insane right now so please come encourage me!''. 

Sometimes when you see us on the second row at church sitting smack dab in the middle of the chapel so that the Bishop and the rest of the ward will be sure to see us, it isn't because we like to have the best seat in the house...we use it as leverage to get the kids to stop acting like morons. "THE BISHOP IS WATCHING YOU RIIIIIGHHHHTTT NOOOOWWWWWWW" or "EVERYONE behind us just saw you try to climb onto the top of my head and threaten to stick up your middle finger." or "your primary teacher just saw that nasty face you just made at your brother right before you poked his eyeballs out." Things like that. CLEARLY it works well....

Sometimes Russell will lay next to you in bed and tell you to kiss his finger, so you do, because he probably has a boo boo...but then he laughs and says he just scratched his butt with that hand. Nothing says 'good morning, mommy, I love you.' quite like that.

Sometimes you will think that taking your kids to a baby shower is a decent idea. You only have 2 out of the 4 of them so really, how bad could it be? It could be bad. Like coughing on the food, fighting over the lemonade, eating all the m&ms, falling off the stool and hitting your head, pulling your skirt up from behind and ending it with a straw full of pink lemonade down your mom's back kind of BAD. Bad. Because, 4 year old little boys just don't belong at baby showers. Especially when they are expecting an actual shower with a baby in it. 

And SOMETIMES your 2nd grader comes home with a letter saying he was accepted into the school's GT program and your Kindergartner brings home a cute little sign saying she has mastered her kinder words and has moved on to 1st grade words...and then you hear Russell behind you talking to the dog and he whispers "first bump" to him and runs off to play. Wyatt is half naked with a poop diaper that he is denying right now, so no real accomplishments for him yet today.

Butt fights are normal...

Do you ever have those mornings, or afternoons, when you finally get home with the groceries and you're so over it that you rummage through to find the cold items, shove them somewhere in the fridge so that they fit good enough for the door to stay shut and then just leave all the other crap on the counter? Me too. That's today. We weren't in the store for 10 minutes before Russell started throwing a MASSIVE fit. I have no idea why. Actually I think it was because he wanted a donut and I stopped to look at some work out clothes (that's right, Jared and I are working out at night. What, What!). So, I'm pushing one cart that has Wyatt in the front and a screaming Russell in the basket, and I'm pulling another cart with all of the groceries. Wyatt is being super well behaved so Russell started to lift the part of the basket that flips inside the cart so the carts can shove together. You know that part? Well, he is squishing Wyatt when he does it so now Wyatt is crying too. I move Wyatt to the front of the grocery basket and now Russell is just FUMING. He is screaming at me to "just get out of this family", and "I WANT A DONUT RIGHT NOW". He's yelling at me to just leave him at the store. I told him that I couldn't do that because Wal-Mart doesn't allow you to just leave without your children, and someone would just bring him back to me anyways. For at least 15 minutes straight he kept crying over and over again, "I waaaaant a dooooooonut". Then it happens. You see someone you know. Well she saw me, I was looking for the cheap spaghetti sauce. You hear your name and you remember that your kid is acting like a fool and you're not even paying attention to him anymore and you think "well that's just great...there goes any chance that I had at the Mother of the Year award." I got lucky though and turned around to see that it was sweet sister Thurgood. She's Wyatt's nursery teacher at church and he loves her! I'm telling her that "this is a nightmare" and Russell climbs out of the basket, arms around my neck, and now I guess I'm giving him a piggy back ride. For like 10 minutes. He's still crying for a stupid donut. Wyatt is taunting him by saying, "I a good boy. I get donut. I not crying like Wussell." Ugggghhhhhh. That's what I think about shopping with kids. Ugh. Oh well. What's new, right?
Wyatt JUST told me "Mommy, I peed in my poop." That's nice Wyatt. I guess I have to change your diaper again now. Oh, what's that? You're pushing again? Awesome. I changed him just 20 minutes ago when we got home. I told him to follow me to the playroom so I could change him and he said "let me do it"....do what? I just kept walking. Apparently he was trying to take his jeans off WHILE he was walking so he tripped and busted his lip on the kitchen floor. By the way, even after your baby is done teething, you should keep a couple of the small teething rings in the freezer. Its way easier to get them to stick one of those under their lip than a baggy of ice.
I wanted to post yesterday but I couldn't bring myself to sit down and do it. Wyatt covered the office in "tickets" (sticky notes). The boys keep ending up completely naked. At least once a day. I've said it before but I will say it again. Boys are just weird. They have butt fights. What is a butt fight? Why, its where you see who can rub their butt on the other one the most. Duh. Its been almost a week since their last butt fight so I'm sure there's one brewing. I barely got them in undies and a diaper last week to pick the kids up from school. And things like this happen...

              

 I have no explanation for his, but he tried to clean my ears out next....with the q-tips from his 

NOSE. They definitely had snot on them, in case you may have been wondering.

 Speaking of noses. After the butt fights ended Wyatt came walking up to me with a TAMPON APPLICATOR in his mouth. (Don't be too grossed out, I had a hysterectomy in August and I have definitely taken the trash out since then.) After I gagged and then laughed I asked where it came from and Russell showed me. Then I remembered that someone threw a Rubbermaid lid at Russell a while back and his nose started bleeding so Jared shoved a tampon up there cause toilet paper wasn't doing the trick. Little Jared couldn't stop giggling. Big Jared asked him what was so funny (you mean OTHER than the fact that your cramming a tampon up our 4 year old's nose?). Little Jared (still giggling) said, "Uhhhhhh, aren't those things that only girls are supposed to use when they pee?" Russell got super embarrassed after he heard him say that and Big Jared assured him that no, they weren't just for girls when they go pee. So off he went, with a tampon hanging out of his nostril. I'm not even kidding. Then Little Jared wanted to know what they were really used for if they aren't for when girls go pee. Bloody noses. That's all. Bloody noses. So that's where the applicator came from. Oh, and at our house we call them tampins, like Hank Hill. So you can re-read that paragraph if you want and say 'tampin' instead of tampon and its even better. Even the kids say 'tampin'.

Russell was playing tug-a-war with Moose yesterday and his arms got really tired so he went to get something else for Moose to play with. He told me not to watch him. So I did not. Then he said "Ohhhh Mommmmy, do you like my boobies?!" And he strutted the entire way. Giggling. I said yes, he had very nice boobies. Then he moved them closer to his belly button and laughed even more. He has a few decades until he needs to worry about that. He was in a sharing mood I guess. He took the tennis balls out of his shirt and told me that I could use them so that I could have boobies too. I'm not sure if this was his nice way of saying "here, these should fit your bra, problem solved" orrrrr maybe I was putting off an envious vibe? Then he dropped one and it rolled across the floor so Moose chased it and Russell ran after him yelling "My boobie! No! Give me back my boobie Moose!" while he secured the right one under his shirt by holding onto it. I can't even handle it. Hey Jared, thanks for showing the boys how you can make round things look like boobies if you shove them under you shirt. Okay. In a perfect world Russell wouldn't be saying the word "boobies". But nothing is perfect. Except that moment, it was hilarious. Then he came back with 3 balls under his shirt and proudly said "look at allll my boobies :)! I have so many!" I'm jealous.

By the way...when I asked Russell to put his plate in the sink last night he told me that he couldn't because "his hands had a bad headache". Poor thing, sounds pretty serious. Has anyone else experienced this pain? I dunno, I think maybe he made it up so he wouldn't have to clear his plate....I may never know.