I sprang for the laughing gas

All 4 kids are officially in SCHOOL. As of a month and a half ago, I am a free-ish woman. It's glorious! I have time to do things that I haven't been able to do in 10 years without getting a babysitter. Like, go grocery shopping alone. Or, I don't know, go to the dentist. I went to the dentist for a cleaning. You know what they told me? They told me I hadn't been in for a cleaning in 6 YEARS! Well, Russell is 7 and Wyatt is 5.5 so yeah, that sounds about right. I can't take those two anywhere without a struggle so going to the dentist was just pretty low on my list of priorities. Turns out I had a broken tooth and needed a crown, and 2 fillings. All on the same side. I'm a free woman though so YEAH, lets go ahead and schedule that dental work! When am I free? ANYTIME! As long as it's in the morning, though. That appointment rolls around and I have to cancel it because I forgot that I'm only free-ish and I had a little boy at home barfing. The next appointment rolls around and I had accidentally volunteered to work the afternoon shift at the book fair...this will be fine right? Yeah, it'll be fine. I stroll on into the dentist office that morning and I sit down in the waiting room for about 2 minutes then I get called back. I love this dental assistant. She's only been there since I was like 5! We go way back. We do x-rays (still haven't come up with a better way to do those), makes me gag a little, eyes are watering some. No big deal. Time to go sit in the chair and do some other dentally stuff. She is sneaky. She makes conversation with me and as I finish my sentence she shoves this thick goopy stuff into my mouth and tells me to bite down real hard. I don't know what it's called but I guess they were making a mold of the teeth to make the crown. It was blue, and it was mushy. All I could think of was "this HAS to be what it would feel like if you bit into the outside of a peed in diaper". Now my eyes are REALLY watering, gag reflex is strong. Gave me nightmares. I asked about the gas because I thought I had like 45 minutes of dental work ahead of me but IT IS NOT CHEAP. So I said never mind, lets just see how I do. She numbs the side of my mouth and in walks the dentist. I'm pretty anxious so I asked if there was a "too late for gas" mark cause I think I'm gonna need it. Yep, lets do it. Give me the laughing gas. She gets me all set up and he leaves for a minute while she does, so I asked when I would know that it was working and she said "Oh you'll know, don't worry". Oh, ok nice. Y'ALL. She was right. I knew. Like, 1.5 minutes later I KNEW. I do not drink. I haven't drank since 2008. She said it would feel like I had a glass or two of wine, I'd be feelin alright. YEP. Nailed it! Bring that man back in here, let's get the drilling going, I'm ready! This will be a piece of cake. Just a few shots in the gums, gas has already paid for itself as far as I'm concerned. The best way I can describe this is to just go through my thought process. My mouth IS numb but those needles DO seem big. Doesn't matter. I'll just close my eyes. NOPE, can't do that! Felt like I was at Six Flags...better keep them open. Where do I look? The light is so stinking bright, I'll stare at his face. That's really weird but I'm gonna do it anyways. Where are his EYES?! Why can't I see his eyes?! It's like he has no soul. I need to blog about this. This is EXACTLY how I will write about this. WHAT IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW? His eyes are just black. Ok, I'll look to the other side of the light, its so sunny outside, patio weather. Ok I'll just close my eyes again. Stay tough, it's not a roller coaster, you are not drunk, he DOES have a soul. Dentists have souls and feelings. The drilling would be so much worse without this gas. Then he stops, and he sits me up and says lets take a little break. HOW LONG HAS IT BEEN!?!? She asks if I'm still feeling ok and I just nod and I have no idea how much time passes but I kind of thought I was done and the dentist pokes his head back in and says "how ya doin in here?" and I am feeling GREAT and I want him to know how great I am so I throw him 2 thumbs up, except laughing gas, and I throw my two thumbs up right into the tray that holds all of the little tools and such and startle myself and then start laughing while I loudly say WHOOPS! Didn't even see that metal tray above my waist! Good, time to move on to part two! Ohhhh, ok. We weren't done. Little bit of drilling and wiggling and loud noises and something with blood on it and the numbness starts to wear off so I think they gave me another shot, I can't be sure but the laughing gas is ON, I know that much. I think about squirrels and life in general, and how this dentist office used to have a parrot in it, didn't it? WOW this gas was such a good idea. I mean, my dentist may not have a soul because his eyes are dark holes but at least I'm not panicking. I can't figure out what I'm supposed to be doing with my tongue but I feel like it's rude on my part if I don't TRY to keep it out of the way. I have no idea what I was doing but in my mind I was holding my tongue off to the side. Being polite. I think maybe the gas has worn off, NOPE....no it has not, WHO IS CONTROLLING THIS?!?! I feel like maybe there is a little peddle and just pumps it a few times when it looks like I need a little more. I have no idea what the process is. I question all of my life choices up until this point in time. I examine them all. At least it felt like I did. And then it was finally over. She sat me up, took the gas off, and I sat there until I felt like I could stand up and walk into the waiting room. I feel like I have just relived every night in college. I'm trying to keep calm on the outside cause I already flipped the tray of tools, but on the inside I'm thinking "WHAT JUST HAPPENED?!?!?!?!" The left side of my face was droopy and sad and I talked with a strange lisp that didn't wear off for hours but I still went and volunteered at the elementary school, because, obligations and all. PROBABLY should have just gone home instead. I don't know, long story short, the laughing gas is worth it.

Still a boy mom

Somewhere in Heaven, there is a a very special place. You won't find just anyone there. Just a select crowd of women. It is a place where mothers of boys are gathered. And like I said, it is SPECIAL...so special, because little boys are special. They aren't special in an ordinary way either, no...they are special in a way that not everyone can fully grasp. They are special in a "what the hell?!" kind of way. I know that not all little boys are created equal. But in my very own, three times over, special boy mom experience......I am whooped. Wyatt broke a melamine plate with his forehead last night while waiting on dinner. Wyatt is 3. Wyatt peed in 3 different places TODAY, none of those places were the actual toilet and NONE of those places were accidents. I know dad, I know. Right this moment in your head you are saying "whip his butt!" and you're laughing. Russell came down the stairs saying "my hand is covered in blood!!!" but in his other hand he's holding a red marker with the cap still off. 30 minutes later Wyatt comes down the stairs saying his face is covered in blood...with a blue uncapped marker in his other hand. SOMEONE ruined my iPad today. No one knows who did it, but a BOY had it in his hands when I found it shattered. It did last me 3 years without ANYTHING going wrong with it so I am actually really impressed. Boys love guns, especially BB guns. A vacuum cleaner finds a BB in the carpet like my foot finds a single lego in the middle of the night while I'm creepin down to the kitchen because all I want is a stack of oreos and a cup of milk to enjoy ALONE. Because sometimes that's all I want. Just some peace and quiet and oreos. Boys fill their pockets with stuff. Just a bunch of STUFF. Today I decided that as each pair of Little Jared's shorts come out of the dryer, I'm gonna whip stitch every single pocket SHUT. I found 14 fuzzies (pom pom balls used like money at school), a pair of ear buds (2 other pairs have gone through the wash and dryer in the last 2 weeks), and tortilla chips. TORTILLA CHIPS. Sometimes I find things that make me think that he realized his pockets were empty and the day was almost over so he just grabbed the closest thing he could find and stuffed it there. For good measure. Action figure weapons, rocks by the truck load, pennies, teeny tiny little toys that comes from who knows where, legos (of course), rubber bands, crayon wrapper shreds, crayons, snack wrappers, small washers, little nuts and bolts, marbles, any little tiny piece of metal anything, also anything shiny, bottle caps, lose fruit snacks, things that I don't even know the names of, paper clips, lose staples, glue stick lids, pen caps. All of it. I've found all of those things either in the pockets or in the washer, and sometimes they make it all the way to the dryer.

I started this post nearly 2 YEARS AGO. I don't know how I planned on finishing it but I'm going to post it anyways!